Games You Should Not Buy Your Partner for Valentine’s


Valentine’s has come upon us again, and for reasons I can’t quite pin down, I don’t hate it as much as I used to. Maybe it’s the presence of no adverts about Valentine’s being slammed in my face (which I am more than grateful for). What my concern is at this point in this year is the astonishing amount of artform-crap that has been spewing out of everywhere. No movies are remotely interesting to the point where I think that This Is War looks quite good. No books have come out that make me want to cower in Waterstone’s for fifteen million hours. And most disappointingly, almost every selling game has next to zero appeal. So instead of having a rant about Valentine’s Day, I’m going to have a rant about recent popular games.

I have never been in any long-term or short-term relationship with anyone. And it may sound sad and cold and embarrassing, but I don’t care. I’ve seen relationships that have been sabotaged from the inside and from the outside and from a diverse range of people. My parents, my brother, my friends, my old friends, my old bandmates, the people I used to work for, the people I work for, the people I work with, my postman, my aunts and uncles. What’s interesting is the amount of trinkets each buys the other, and this is at times horrifically funny. People start to hate over possessions and material things that the other bought/didn’t buy them. It’s strange. At least to me. If you haven’t seen Othello, this is pretty much why things pan out the way they do, although you have to add in the brilliant stirring of the spot from my favourite villain in fiction.

Don’t paint me with the wrong brush, I’m not the one stirring the pot like Iago. I’m the one who would rather let the pot go unwatched and happily enjoy it when relationships are” going strong”. From the way I see it though, Valentine’s isn’t much more than a way to say “Your relationship sucks and you need to buy something for your loved one. Here’s some milk chocolate and champagne.” Milk chocolate and champagne are vomit inducing substances, so I can’t see how they are the least bit romantic. But if I was to buy a perfect game for a loved one of mine, not only would that be a stupid idea, but I would be doing it to send a message without having to actually say it.

Modern Warfare 3

A first person shooter from a series that has almost completely lost what it was about to begin with. Modern Warfare 3 is a typical example of putting a lot of stuff somewhere and then making it do something and polishing it up so it aesthetically looks nice. I’ll admit I like how it’s gone back to the jump-in-jump-out casual play if you ignore the fuckload of advertising, references and fanboys thrown at you, but most of it is worthless tripe to add-on to worthless tripe from history.

“You’re not intelligent, you get excited over bright shiny things. You also like to brag over meaningless events and showboat.”

Battlefield 3

I was excited when Battlefield 3 was announced, Battlefield 2 was one of my favourite games made. This as a sequel is just poor. It’s hopelessly uncomfortable when you start playing and when you finally get comfortable you realise too late that all the good weapons are given to those who got and played the game early. It’s heavy advertising campaign, going so far as to make a webseries out of it was more of a dissuasion than a plus point. This is meant for the hardcore shooters, and there are much better shooters out on the market right now. Much less irritating ones too.

“You think that you’re more sophisticated, suave and intelligent than those who play Modern Warfare 3. In reality you like more bright shiny things than those guys.”

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim/Final Fantasy XIII-2

I don’t want to paint these with the same brush but I’m going to. These were both made to fix “problems” with the predecessors of those games that players didn’t like. So they decided to develop them and put them out as broken and as terrible as they are.

Skyrim is supposed to be an “epic freeroaming adventure” packed with weapons, panic-battles and exploring. Hang on, isn’t that what MINECRAFT adequately achieves, without the need of trying to force a story and lore down your throat? Skyrim is pure nonsense packed in nonsense packed in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Sorry that’s not being fair. Oblivion didn’t break down every half-an-hour.

XIII-2 on the other is what happens when developers fall to peer pressure. XIII wasn’t really Final Fantasy at all, but was still enjoyable as a story and a game however unnecessarily long and drawn out it was. The criticism of ‘linear’ gameplay was largely pointless, as it was necessary for that style a game. If the developers decided to plonk you down with the mechanics it used in the middle of nowhere that game would be vastly unplayable.

What upsets me though is that both these games at their core aren’t nearly as “epic” as they are portrayed to be. Take away the branding and the style and the characters and change that with something else not readily identifiable and these would be nothing more than just average action-RPGs.

“You have no imagination. You believe that you keep many things open as possible when you are actually closing yourself off and living the same boring routine. You find that fun and I find it stale.”

Just Dance

It’s not that I hate Just Dance. Just Dance is fun, but pales in comparison to Dance Central and is made by a company that makes Kinect feel like such a cheap peripheral. Michael Jackson was a perfect example of pathetic implementation.

“You can’t dance.”

YourShape

I’m sorry, I fail to see how a game that thinks A CHAIR can burn more calories than a sprinting human can be useful calorie-burning tool.

“You’re out of shape.”

Mario Kart 7

The only bad I have to say about this game is that it is made for a console which is terrible. It is no less fun than it’s predecessors and very enjoyable.

“I know you miss your youth and the energy and the body you once had. At least this will help you reminisce.”

SoulCalibur V

Fighting game with swords. I’m bored.

“You have an unhealthy fascination with blades and knives.”

FIFA

EA Sports strategy is to make the same game with a few more tweaks. It is worse than Call of Duty in its “Reselling the same game”. FIFA 12 had NOTHING different to last year’s tripe apart from how it was presented.

“You wish you can also earn $12,000,000 a year from missing a kicking a quarter-pound ball at a fifteen square metre target from twelve yards away. Get up and play a proper sport!”

Any Nintendo 3DS game.

3DS is an incarnation of the DS that makes the DSi completely pointless and an absurd waste of money. It is entirely centred around a gimmick which will die out eventually if it hasn’t already and it’s accessibility of it should have been implemented in the DSi in the first place. The 3D games are terrible but the non-3D games made for it aren’t terrible. Also, 3D sucks.

“Your eyes are ugly.”

Mario and Sonic at the 2012 Olympic Games

This is the exact same as the one from four years ago, except set in London. Also, how does Mario run as fast as Sonic?

“You are in a relationship with someone who wants you out of their life.”

Any (other) game

“You have no concept of romance and I don’t love you.”

As much as my bitterness is towards this day is, this is the best ‘Valentine’s’ advert I’ve ever seen. And I’m one who think’s sex jokes are not funny.

P.S. Catherine hasn’t come home yet. That bitch…es.

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