Ranting While Playing: Alan Wake


Nice mention of Stephen King there at the beginning.  I assume you’ll be ripping him off for the entire game?  I really hope that phrase about nightmares not making sense isn’t a warning that the story is going to be terrible.

I think God just taught me how to kill zombies with a flashlight.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?! (wife)

Lip-syncing is for douchebags anyway.

Why are cinematics rendered through a grayish filter?  The scene looked all colorful and cheery, but when I got in my car everything turned brown and gray.  Is it supposed to be dramatic?

Holy crap the crazy fangirl waitress has some kind of Steven Tyler mouth.  I think she could swallow an apple whole!

I’ll put the lime in YOUR coconut.

When a creepy old lady with a black veil approaches you in a dark hallway and gives you an old key and a note while talking to you in low, menacing tones…you leave. Immediately.  Calderon lake? It’s a horror game, I get it!

Why is every girl’s hair tied up?  Oh yeah, because animating hair was too hard for the developers…

Uh, flashback, why are there doors I’m locked out of in my own house?

Max the dog has mastered the art of panting with his mouth closed.

I’m going to be very disappointed if the thing knocking down all of those trees turns out to be the smoke monster from Lost.

She’s possessed, you stupid shit! She was all energetic and fucking annoying at the beginning of the game, but now she’s staring off into space and droning on like the goddamn computer from Star Trek! I thought you were a fucking horror writer?!

Considering how short your batteries last this is a horrible advertisement for Energizer.  I can picture the slogan now…Energizer! You’ll need at least a dozen packs for your walk through the forest!  Then again I’ve never used batteries to power a flashlight-laser capable of destroying railroad equipment before.

Odin wears an eye patch and references ravens while Thor has a beard and constantly hits things for no reason with his toy hammer. They have a farm called Valhalla. Heh.

Wait…they’re getting drunk? Seriously? They spent all night fighting dozens of possessed demon people and the moment they get inside a lit house they decide it’s the perfect time to get wasted?  sure, go ahead, it’s not like the lights have mysteriously gone out in lit houses in pretty much every chapter of this game or anything.

I just flew in a helicopter for like five minutes…what happened to my arsenal of weapons I had amassed? Why did my flashlight suddenly change into a less effective one?  What’s the point of Bioshock-type scavenging in a game where they just take it all away every twenty minutes?

Voices tend to be unbelievably quiet in this game. I’ve been playing with the music and effects turned way down and the volume turned way up just to understand them without reading every single subtitle.

All of my favorite characters in this game are insane.

I guess possessed people can’t operate doors.

Why would possessed objects disintegrate? Wouldn’t they just fall back down?

The rather large offset of the camera makes platforming a bitch in a few parts.

Wait…the clicker can make it day time whenever he wants it to? Then why does chapter 6 even exist? Why can’t I just keep making it daylight the entire time?

Why hello there, vague and kind of disappointing ending.

Verdict: It’s something new at the very least.  It has some entertaining parts and some interesting ideas, but the story doesn’t make all that much sense and it fails to grasp what a horror game is.  It’s packed with Stephen King themes, but it’s just another third person shooter in the end.  The levels often feel ridiculously padded.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: