Ranting While Playing: Wolfenstein

When they’re standing, Nazis get killed by one shot from the Kar98k.  When they’re floating they’re suddenly able to take 4-5 shots to the waist?  Also, why is it that when you get hit by the floating blast you’re only in the air for a second or two but every Nazi in the room floats up toward the ceiling indefinitely like they’re in a Wonka movie?  Are Americans just better at burping than Nazis?

Fuck you, player. No, you can’t shoot between bars that are so spaced apart that you could fit your head through them. No. Fuck you. Go around.

The black market marks their buildings with a huge bright read skull with a knife through it that you can see clearly from a distance. Do I even need to say why that’s a bad idea in Nazi Germany? Anne Frank couldn’t even survive in a secret annex hidden behind a bookcase, let alone a brightly colored “kill us over here” sign.  Oh what do you know, every faction in “hiding” does the same thing.

Whenever you’re supposed to follow an AI through the streets they constantly shout “hey, hey! Follow me! Follow me! This game was made for people with ADD! Over here! Come here! C’mon! Follow me! I already forgot that I said that five seconds ago! This way!”  Yes, even in the middle of combat.

The game in general just feels like a shameless cash-in with nothing new to bring to the table.  Yes, I’m aware that Wolfenstein started much of what is considered the norm in FPS titles but digging up an old brand name from the grave is hardly an excuse to not even try.

Free roaming just doesn’t work in first person shooters…it just comes off as the developer artificially lengthening the game by making you walk back after every mission.

Often when you bash in darkened windows they open up to…you guessed it, black walls.

Truck drivers just sit there in the drivers seat even after you’ve killed all the troops they unloaded.  I punched the door of one of the trucks over and over until it fell off and then punched the driver to death while he simply say there and stared at me the whole time.

I spent a solid minute aiming at one point of little significance because I knew the Nazis all would run there for some reason.  I mowed down a good 7 or 8 of them in the same spot before I ran out of people to shoot? The funny part? They actually had to run past me to get there. Nice AI.

Oh goodie, wretches. Because Wolfenstein didn’t feel like it was ripping off enough popular games already.

Did I mention the main character’s name is BJ?

Grenade physics are just embarrassing.  Enemies often throw them backwards or straight up because the game doesn’t seem to know what to do with them.  Beware! Grenades you throw often fly straight back at you.

You have received the emitter power, and now you’re dead because they decided to throw enemies at you at the same time they expect you to read something.

You usually know that you’re about to walk into a room filled when Nazis when you hear several men shout “That man is a spy!” “Stop him, move out!” “Grenade!” before you even fucking open the door.

The MG42 gunners are exactly the type of always-know-where-you-are-always-aiming-at-you-ridiculous-weapon-range AI’s that I always hate in FPS titles.

The bald guys can teleport, generate shields, and rapid fire energy balls at you that kill you in two shots.  I’ve endured several at this point but after dying three times against one in a sewer all I can think is fuck this game. It’s not really any fun, the story is stupid, the setting is stupid, the game is crap. I’m done. On to MUA2.


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